Extracts from modern life

I was looking through my smses. Here are a sample of some of the myriad complex problems that the oxford student has to overcome. All real extracts from conversations or sms:

‘MY DOORKNOB FELL OFF’

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‘My ear hurts and I don’t know waaaaai.’

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‘I’m cold.’

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‘Do you think this is too much oil for this bacon?’

[Spoken 20 minutes before setting off fire alarm. And filling my room with smoky bacon smell]

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‘Something pooped on my bike D:’

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‘My crunchy nut is not crunchy! Evidently my room is tropical.’

patriotic

‘eh later in the week you must go and say the pledge with everyone’
‘you have to go out into the street and cry’

ian never fails to make it to my ‘conversations’ tag

ian – queen vic is t3h bomb

sam – she was super unamusing

sam – the victorian era SUCKED

sam – it produced EDGAR ALLEN POE

ian - true

ian - she just whined over her dead husband for like 2/3s of her reign

ian - she wore black all her life you know

ian – then they sensationalised it

ian – with her bodyguard

…

ian – apparently

ian – they were sexual

sam – what DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

just up and talk

Nobody in the world is easier to talk to than a lit teacher. REALLY. In all honesty that’s one of my reasons for doing lit, right there. I mean, there has to be something to it if so many lit teachers turn out to be rather awesome individuals. I’ll really miss ib for the people, and that’s about it.

Well ok history and lit were pretty fun subjects. I still don’t understand physics and I have forgotten all my chinese ever. sorry, every lao shi who ever tried to teach me, it just fell out of my head.

imaginary conversations i have had

“so see, back in the 90s people would often get into these deathmatches in the street for no reason at all”

“oh no, wait”

“that was the plot of Street Fighter”

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gosh sam don’t you ever get bored sometimes? oh i don’t know

ruined forever

‘Tintin is totally gay.’

‘Think about it. He lives in this big old mansion with some old guy.’

‘Who’s like some retired sea captain.’

‘His friends are these two detectives who go everywhere dressed in the same suits.’

Thanks, kentay. Now whenever I read Tintin I’ll be subconsciously looking for subtext of homosexual adventures.

‘Homosexual adventures’ is a really amusing phrase.

re-enact all the classics

‘i’m going to make a milo powder island’

‘in my milo’

‘do you think i can’

‘then i’ll grab two ants and put them on my island’

‘they can be robinson crusoe and friday’

Sweet Democracy (alttext: astute political commentary)

‘it’s time to vote!’
‘chicken or pizza?’

‘what sort of chicken?’

‘the fried sort.’

‘oh god.’
‘pizza then’

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‘then i’ll tally the votes and see who wins.’

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‘the voters have it, pizza it is!’

‘it’s like 1 out of 2′
‘it’s not a presidential…oh wait’

Hobos Pack Plasma Rifles

“I’m like this post-apocalyptic Hobo in Fallout 3″

“Normally, I don’t collect stuff but I just have to hoard everything when I play it”

“It’s the post-apocalypse. You need to hoard everything “

Bears Are Adorable

‘I want a pet bear. Like a baby bear. And then I want it to grow up really fast and then I can ride it.’

‘Yeah bears are awesome.’

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‘I’ve got this awesome idea for a children’s book. It could be about a bear that eats people and it doesn’t know why nobody will be its friend. It would be illustrated and adorable. Like, a sad looking cartoon bear sitting among a pile of bodies and it’s got blood all over its mouth and a sad face.

We could call it…’The Hungriest Bear’ ‘